member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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