I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
