Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I booty called her while she was in labor.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
