My first STD was from a foam party
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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