Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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