I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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