Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Someone stole a lamp last night.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize