you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
