Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
