so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
