Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
