I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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