My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
