I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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