Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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