I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
