We're facebook friends in real life
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
