our cab driver is having phone sex.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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