God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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