He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
