Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
nutella sex= disaster
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
