Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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