The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize