i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
