Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize