This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
