Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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