I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
