I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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