I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
