I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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