Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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