just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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