i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
