I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
