I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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