Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
