I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
