there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
