i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
