What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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