tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
