OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
