I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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