I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
