Your face is a jimmy john
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
