don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
