Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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