My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
