If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize