he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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