You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
