Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
