You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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