Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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