textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
